Ego and Pride
I’m bleeding out and I don’t know what to do.
Earlier this year; I took part in the GMTK Game Jam 2024. It was good fun, and I was working some of the most talented people I’ve ever met. The game (by my standards atleast) was a huge success. We reached 101st in the enjoyment category; people really liked our game!
But even as my team celebrated; I felt a bitter taste in my mouth. And as the ecstasy of the success faded, I was left with distinctive tang of regret. I was definitely the one who contributed the least to the final game. Over the course of the 4 days, a lot of my code was rewritten or reworked and most of my levels were removed (though a few made it in).
During the playtests, I watched time and again as the parts people got stuck on were the parts I designed. Again and again, I saw the most bugs propping up from my code. The thoughts were, are, persistent and overwhelming. Why didn’t I do this better? Why didn’t I see that coming? Why couldn’t I just do what I was supposed to do?
I realize, dear reader, that thoughts like these are illogical. I was the one who came up with the initial concept of the game; I was the one who brought the team together. But I am not sated so easily. I still feel like I should have done more, more than I ended up doing, more than what everyone else did.
It’s a kind of inferiority complex I suppose. I’ve always been prone to those. I’m too prideful to allow myself to be one-upped by someone else, too prideful to allow myself to admit I have room for improvement, too prideful to allow myself to rest.
What even is pride really?
I have a vague grasp that it’s the fundamental cause of all my anguish; but not enough to grasp what it is. Was it pride that I was feeling when my tears fell at 2016’s WRO competition in Karachi? Was it pride that I was feeling when I sat in the fetal position during the worst of the pandemic, wondering what was the point of living till tomorrow? Is it pride that I feel now, writing this blog post, trying to understand why I live in constant war with myself?
I, I, I, Me, Me, Me
I have been talking about myself a lot huh? Perhaps, that is pride. Perhaps, that is ego.
I, I, I, Me, Me, Me
How does one live without pride? I don’t understand. How does one detach ego? I don’t understand. I no longer remember a time when I was without ego; perhaps I was born this way. I don’t know, I don’t know. Somehow I feel that it has become part of my identity.
I feel, that without pride, I’ll shatter. I feel, that with pride, I’ll shatter.
I’m bleeding out, and I don’t know what to do. Today was a little better than yesterday. This year better than the year before. I’m still happy. I still have friends, family. I’m still good. No need to rush. There’s no time limit. Perhaps tomorrow will be a little better than today, the next year a little better than this one.